Mad Christian Ads (Part 1)

Whilst clearing out my old folders recently I happened upon a selection of old banner adverts. Ads are things that interest and irk me in equal measure, being invasive objects that increasingly intrude on our lives without our permission but have the power to consciously and subconsciously change the habits of millions of people around the planet to buy the product or use the service in question, often without actually saying so. Adverts are a neutered form of mind control that offer a glimpse into the general human mindset.

The ads in particular I happened to save onto my hard-drive around 2002 after finding some American evangelical Christian website (the address of which I have long forgot), and I did so because I couldn't quite believe the forwardness of what I was seeing. I promise, these are genuine banner ads from that period.

Nothing like a big red warning sign to get you all pleased you chose that page to go for your daily bit of Jesus Juice. Not too sure what the barcode is all about, perhaps you were meant to take your laptop down to the local Tesco and ask them to scan it in for further instructions.

Al, the anti-lies bear is here to tell you exactly what you can and cannot believe. It doesn't say just what voice the bear roars these biblical extracts at your three year old child in, though, but I doubt it would sound much like Barney.

Amusingly, the people who made the bear have had to change the colour of it to 'heavenly white' from its original purple, because they discovered that '..the color purple has been appropriated by the homosexual community..'. Nice to see just how scared these people are of unbiblical minorities that they can't even be associated with a primary colour if it has some 'negative' connotation. I propose that the agnostics, atheists and humanists divide up the remaining primary colours between them and adopt them as their own, leaving only beige.

'Don't let Evolutionists make a monkey out of you', says Ken Ham, who has managed to look quite a lot like a monkey. So against Evolution is our Ken that he has applied the same tactic that one Mary Kenny has done not so long ago: blame it for all the social ills in the world.

Baby Jesus! I don't talk, I don't walk, I don't do anything, so basically just a job lot of cheap sweatshop-made dolls repackaged and stuck in a crucifix t-shirt, despite Jesus not experiencing much crucifix action until much later on in his life.

The website is still active, and those of you annoyed that you can't get your Jesus doll in the right race can rest easy, there is now not one, but four Jesuses (Jesii?), each of a different skin colour and dress style, crying out for some child-deprived evangelist to love to death like a biblical episode of the Power Rangers.


And you too can buy foods from the bible. These granola bars contain exclusive ingredients not found anywhere else outside of 'shops'. It took the bible to bring them together in a healthy medley, and at only a few dollars a pack, how can you not praise Him as you run for that bus?

I have a few more which I'll post soon. In the meantime, if you have seen some equally weird and wonderful advertisements targeted at the easily flocked, please nominate them. Extra points if the ad implies damnation if you do not buy.