Mad Christian Ads (Part 3)

Here are the final set of classic Evangelical Christian adverts. Part 1 is here, part 2 is here.

The PAX Network (now Ion Television) shows special programmes made just for Christians, as if they have special needs that normal programmes do not provide. Miracle Pets has the dubious claim of EVEN MORE 'cross species friendship' stories (as if to answer the calls of thousands of people who complained there weren't enough), Doc solves medical problems by saying 'ahh well he died, it must have been Gods will' to cover up his surgical incompetences, and Mysterious Ways attempts to outdo the X-Files by having some paranormal event occur every episode, but then spoiling the mystery for everyone by saying '..that strange flying saucer you saw? That was just Jesus doing some recon'.

Quite what a fire bible is, they don't say (their website has its own rather incendiary interpretation), but the rather ominous claim that it's a lesson they will never forget is enough to make me wary of sending my kids there. Do they set the classroom on fire and then the children that survive are told they did so because of Gods will? This banner also advertises lessons where inquisitive kids can pick up a human brain and what appears to be a child's shoe made from a turd. Finally, their use of 'objects' as teaching aids is sold to us as a reason not to go with a rival company, as if all other forms of teaching conjure things out of thin air. You would have thought that these people would employ that sort of tactic, given the tendency for religious types to do just that.

Only if you click on the banner would you ever know whether you are allowed to believe in both. Until then, risk eternal damnation if you even consider the wealth of evidence available to support their existence. The banner doesn't tell me much about which book it's going on about, but there's a crapload of them out there preaching both sides of the fence. Of course, if you do choose to believe, you will have to compromise with reality because due to the earth being only 4000 years old, man and dinosaur must have co-existed in a Flintstones stylee.

Saint A. Tujay is apparently the guy in charge of reviewing computer games for the Christian community. In order to remain down with the kids, he had picked up the street speak even back as far as 2002 and lets it all hang out for Saints of Virtue. #1 Christian Computer Game of All Time? To be fair, there's not going to be that many contenders for such a spot, except for Noah's Adventures and The Zoo Race, of course.

As for Tujays' glowing recommendation? Shine didn't have to look too far for it - its on their site's hall of fame - not an actual review.

On the last post, there was Clowning4Christ, well, it appears that no form of child-bothering physical showmanship is left un-christed. Mime4Him similarly allows your children to experience the wonder of annoying whited-up grossly thin men pretending they are trapped inside a box, but with a dusting of religious magic pixie-dust on top. It doesn't say whether the mime act includes the religious execution of hethens.

That's all, I'm afraid. I've enjoyed going back through these, and also enjoyed going back through the websites they refer to, I'm glad they are still going; if nothing else, they celebrate the wierd and wonderful world of religious people and their attempts to bend and stretch themselves around peculiar subject matters.

No comments: